I had a dream the other night. One of those really vivid ones that wakes you up with a start and leaves an indelible mark on the rest of your day. This isn’t in and of itself unusual for me. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I suffer from the most vivid nightmares of anyone I know. They are incredibly disturbing and some of them turn into recurring horrors that I get to live over and over again – sometimes over the course of many months.
The most startling thing about this dream, however, was how incredibly and genuinely happy I felt. So much so that when I woke up, I almost burst into tears that it wasn’t real. All I wanted was to fall back into that dream. The funny thing is that I didn’t even remember the particulars when I woke up (it wasn’t sexual in nature). What I do remember is that I was so content with my life in this dream, in a way I don’t think I have ever experienced in reality.
2015 wasn’t the easiest of years – not for me, not for anyone, I suspect. I eschewed dating for the entire year so I could focus on me and focus on pursuing my dream of writing in the spare moments I had between working two lackluster and distressing jobs. I told myself dating was just one more crazy I didn’t need in my life. And hey, why not instead chase after a dream where quite literally almost no one succeeds? Am I so arrogant as to presume I would be one of the chosen few?? Although, in a different light, dating doesn’t seem to be any easier for me. I honestly don’t know how “normal people” accomplish it.
Something I learned this weekend is that spending New Year’s Eve alone is actually harder for me than spending Christmas alone. I guess it’s because Christmas is such a family-oriented day, and I gave up on the concept of family years ago now. New Year’s Eve, on the other hand, is a night for new (and renewed) love and the highly-anticipated potential that a whole new year spreading out before you brings. It was a hard night for me (and the kittens were kind of shit as dates, truth be told), but being lonely for the first time in as long as I can remember told me a few things about myself. I haven’t given up on myself, I haven’t given up on my potential to become a writer, I haven’t given up on finding love (whatever that means), but most importantly, I haven’t given up on finding contentment and happiness in life. I have hope for 2016.
After a tough, but productive 2015, I can only hope this wondrous dream is foreshadowing for happier days to come. Not just for me, but for everyone. Now, can someone please hand me a drink?? I think I’ve earned it!