The Urinator: Judgment Day

So, I started this post yesterday, but since every other word was an obscenity on my first pass, I had to postpone it until today, when I can hopefully be a little calmer about the situation. That said, I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this. The topic is distasteful to say the least, but sometimes we need a reminder that no matter how crazy we feel, no matter how many mistakes we make, we are WAY more intelligent, logical, and caring human beings than the worst of the lot. So, in the interest of some cathartic writing, here goes nothing.

Dear Parents Competing For The World’s Grossest Morons Award,

I hate you.

I am incredibly angry that you have put me in a position where I have no choice but to judge your sorry, pathetic arsses, because as a non-parent (and an all-around lifelong screw-up in the relationship department), I fully believe that unless I see you doing something downright dangerous regarding your child, it is absolutely not my place to pass judgment on you. But, you took me there yesterday, didn’t you? You took me to that place where I found myself shrieking shrilly in horror, where are this kid’s parents!?

That was a first for me.

So, let’s start this assessment right where it belongs – by dissecting your atrocious parenting skills, shall we? It’s only a couple of degrees above freezing with a windchill much colder than that, and yet, you fuck-nuts have your young boy standing outside, bareass naked, pants to ankles, exposing himself to the elements. What were you thinking!?

Let’s also talk about how your young child was well-beyond the age where it was appropriate for him to be exposing himself to non-relatives, regardless of the temperature or the situation. Since you were nowhere to be seen, should we be assuming that you just don’t care whether or not your naked child is snatched off the streets by a sick deviant? Are you not aware that every cell phone now possesses the ability to photograph and film your child in all his (golden shower of) glory?

Setting all of this shittiness aside, however, we’re still left with the fact that your kid came within a foot or two of urinating on me, a complete stranger, who was simply walking down the sidewalk in front of her home. Yep, that’s right. As with kids everywhere, his attention was so easily distracted from the task at hand, that he turned towards the sound of my approaching footsteps, and as he swiveled in my direction, just take one guess where that disgusting stream of pee went too. At the minimum, where the hell were you to grab his shoulders and turn him away from the unsuspecting (and consequently HORRIFIED) pedestrians on that crowded sidewalk?

The real kicker? Your kid was pissing all over the sidewalk right in front of a restaurant during the dinner hour. Not only is this revolting from the food-sanitation aspect, but there are at least 15 establishments within 50 feet of that spot that had actual bathrooms. You two lazy, insufferable people could have simply walked him the few feet to the nearest one and politely asked if he could use the bathroom. Since when do kids his age get to opt to just drop trou anywhere and let it all go? Would he do this in his classroom? What about in the middle of your living room? What if we all just came over and defecated on your doorstep? Wait – you wouldn’t like that? Well, that’s how I felt when your kid nearly sprayed me head to toe as he defiled my beautiful neighborhood.

Let me be clear – if I could have identified which of the fools around me were you two imbeciles, I would have thrown actual punches in your smug little faces. I would’ve dragged you over to the spot of the crime, just like some people do to housebreak their new puppies, and I would’ve rubbed your noses all up in it.* And, you know what? You would’ve deserved it, you pitiful excuses for human beings.

Now, should you ever come across this post and realize this rant was directed at you, please, by all means, DO apologize. Why? Because I am a human being, and I don’t deserve to be urinated on by your child, simply because you didn’t care enough to stop it.

The only slightly humorous bit about any of this is that I feel like I have finally found my squeamish kryptonite. You could put a city rat in front of me the size of a raccoon and I’d simply hop over it without batting an eye (This is true – they littered my former neighborhood, and I have learned from experience that I have exceptional rat-dodging skills). You try to pee on me though? Oh no. Apparently, that’ll send this girl running for the hills, screaming in abject terror.


* I am an animal-lover and I know this is not the recommended course of action for training pets. I am not a people-lover, however, so these two twits can suck it.



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