Resting Bitch Face: The Ultimate Superpower I Just Don’t Have

Don’t speak to me. I’m busy envisioning the thousands of ways I can kill you right now.

I’m not really one to have good resting bitch face and that is super unfortunate for me.

I don’t know exactly what it is about my face, but instead it seems to always be screaming please-give-me-unsolicited-advice or please-interrupt-my-day-with-your-inanity. And, you know what? I’ve just about had it with this stupid face and the annoyances it gets me into.

I don’t mind office visitors in theory, but the people who stop by my door aren’t interested in friendly chit-chat. No, they just want to burden me with their nonsense, and they won’t be satisfied until they’ve tried everything they can think of to bring me up to their level of turmoil and stress. “We are in crisis! This is a disaster!” Uhhh, really, dude? I fixed it for you with one quick e-mail, so I’m going to need you to take it down a notch, drama queen. Can you do that for me?

Even worse, there’s one particular person who actually resorts to baby talk in lieu of directing her questions to me like we’re both sane, professional adults. “Can you puh-weaseeee tell me where I can find x,y,z? Ohhh, you’re soooooo hewlpfuwl!” It literally makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, but apparently even that revulsion isn’t enough to register the look of abject detestation onto my facial features.

In fact, when my seemingly-neurotic new employee is pulling her manipulative, bullying shenanigans and I am forced to check this narcissistic, juvenile behavior, she’s the one who ends up giving me RBF for days on end. My job would be a whole lot easier if one look from me could instead let her know just how thin of ice she is treading these days. No, no, instead I’m going to have to formally sit her butt down, and tell her in no uncertain terms, that she is, in fact, NOT the boss. And all, because she can’t read the simmering fury on this face.

I can barely call up decent RBF even when I desperately need it, like when the creepy, decrepit, bulging-bellied men at my office think they’re paying me a HUGE compliment by telling me that if their daughters weren’t about my age, they’d definitely be actively pursuing me. Oh, and also if they weren’t married. Minor technicality there, apparently.

“You should be flattered.” Umm, are you fucking kidding me?? Well, apparently that might be what my brain is saying, but my face must be saying something more like oh-if-only-we-could-be-together (complete with batting eyelashes, I suspect), because while I thought I literally snarled at one of them the other day, it was met with a perky “have a great day!” and a wink in response. I couldn’t have been more disturbed in that moment had someone dumped a bucket of ice water down my spine.

It’s just not fair! I too want a face that says look-at-me-the-wrong-way-and-I-will-cut-off-your-favorite-body-parts. (Snip, snip!!) Is that too much to ask when clearly I am in great need of it, AND would put it to very good use?

So many others have been blessed with this particular gift, but alas, it doesn’t seem that even practice is getting me there anytime soon.

What about you? How’s your RBF these days? Any facial exercises you can recommend for a girl in need??





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